from the inside out

As I was falling asleep last night, I realized something. I had completely forgotten to read my letter to myself on my graduation day. So, the first thing I did this morning, was read it.

I have never been so disappointed. It was nothing like I had expected.

But, then I skimmed through it again. Besides it not giving me any hope for my future, it was negative, upsetting, and...truly encompassed who I was freshman year. Three years ago.

This letter is the most impactful thing I've run across in a long time, to be quite honest. I did NOT realize how negative, spiteful, and awful I was when I came to college. The fact that people stayed friends with me is incredible. And thinking that I've had successes and continued to live in a normal way since then gives me definite hope for my future.

After reading this letter, what is most apparent to me is how Christ's love has finally warmed my once cold heart. He has saved me from this horrible person I was becoming. Every thought I had written down in that letter was with anger and frustration, not with hope or love. I thought I wasn't going to be getting along with my Dad and Cindy, that I would never get married or fall in love, that I would really only come home every once in a while, and probably would never be happy with what I was doing. Now, even thought I dread making decisions about my future, am terrified that I am an Alum of KSU, and don't really want to grow up, at least I have a hope for my future and DO love my family so very, very much. I am so thankful for my friends that have helped shape me into the person I am today. Without them, I would have never found Christ and my life would have been in even more shambles than it appears now.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plays to give you hope and a future."

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and cahracter, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because Got has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whome he has given us.

Romans 9:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Just a selection of some goodies.

When I wrote that letter to myself (on March 29, 2006) I would have never ever guessed that I would hate to leave KSU and my friends there, that I would have a boyfriend, and never in a million years would I believe that there was a God. And, to top that off, I would have never believed that I would read that letter and completely be even more convinced of the wonderful things God has done in my life.

I had my exit interview from the department a week ago today. One of the last things my professor told me was how he was so glad he got to watch us all grow up. And you know what he said he saw change the most in me? How I am so much more positive than when I came to school. That I seemed more confident and okay with things than I was freshman year and wasn't as negative about life and school, etc.

So, embrace today. Love the Lord. Be at peace with where you are. And remember this:

"I'm sure that wherever I end up, I'll have meant to get there. If not, everything happens for a reason. As long as I'm happy with what I've got and enjoy life, that is ultimately all that matters."

(the only part of that letter worth sharing)

Thank you for your time and God bless.